Dalmatians ()

Well, another new Disney movie is coming forbidden and with it comes the theaters packed with screaming babies, very restless kids kicking your seat, and throngs of grownups providing running commentary of everything on the screen (to themselves, not the kids).


This is not a good thing. This time, the Disney movie is ci Dalmatians, the live-action version, and if any flick could make me long for a quick and painless death, this is it.


In an era when we get smart "children's" movies like Babe, wherefore does schlock like this have to continue to be made? The young one hundred one Dalmatians goes like this: Roger (Jeff Daniels) is a video game room decorator in London (where all the best video game designers live, I'm sure), and Anita (Joely Richardson) is a fashion architect in the employ of one Cruella DeVil (Glenn Close). Roger and Anita both have Dalmatians, and the super-smart dogs collude to take Roger and Anita together. He proposes marriage an hour later he meets her, they get hitched, the Dalmatians have puppies, and Cruella decides she wants them for a coat. Cruella steals the happy couple's puppies summation a lot more from other hoi polloi. Dogs overreach baddies and escape, delivery down Cruella and her evil henchmen.


Well, la-dee-dah. This plot couldn't be less interesting if it was written by Home Alone's John Hughes. Oh, hold off a bit! It was written by John Hughes! Silly me!!! In fact, 101 Dalmatians is almost exactly the same movie as Home Alone. Point in fact: Kid/dogs in trouble; bad guys chase him/them; kid/dogs ending(s) up being much more resourceful; bad guys fall down a draw. Oh, funny!


Maybe you're locution, "Hey, this is a kid's moving-picture show! Lighten up!" Well, I don't think it's anywhere near being suitable for children, despite it's G rating -- there ar blatant sex jokes, dead/dying animals, ultraconservative Puritanical attitudes (women should stay in the home base), and out-and-out destructive messages.


And this film isn't for adults, either, because this next brick in the wall of the Disney empire is so dumbed-down it ends up scarcely rotting the audience's brains. There's never any sense of "thrill" to this adventure, the acting is mundane, and I laughed at one single joke ("Who gets the gold?") But hey, this is Disney, and maybe brain rot is what they're aiming for! (Because and then you'll pay to see next year's animated Hercules, which, from the house trailer, looks even worse.)


So what do we learn from ci Dalmatians? That your pawl is smarter than you? That if your frankfurter saves soul else's bounder, you get to keep it? Who can say?


Hell, I'm a cat person, after all. So what do I know?



You see, these dogs really DID ruin the movie!